Times are a Changin'

I just finished a jam packed 3 days at Blissdom Canada. And although I didn't leave there getting as much from the sessions this year as I did last I did get some other very important things.

I learned that I am going to blog again and I am going to write about what I want to and not care what people think. For years now (after our world fell apart) I have held back. Worried about what people will think, but not anymore. I need to share, bottling everything up is only hurting myself.

I learned that keeping it all to myself makes me feel like an outsider. I walked around Blissdom wondering who I was and who were all the people around me.

I learned that it is time to take care of myself. Stop caring what others think, care what I think. I just found a post from a year ago where I stated that I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. WOW if that year ago me saw me now...

I learned that it is going back to basics. I found that in the rat race I lost what it was all about. No more and that excites me!

I learned that I should be darn freaking proud of myself for growing Grace Announcements from nothing to something in 6 years all by myself. October 19th is the 6th birthday for the official website launch.

I learned that I have some amazing people behind me and the ride to the future will be an amazing one with them by my side.

I learned that my kids and husband are the absolute most important things in my life. Without them nothing else matters.

So as I gain my thoughts, and there are so many floating around (I think I probably have 100 blog posts right now) I will start getting them out.

No more wishing I just had someone to talk to.

Are they out to get me?

This summer was a no plan summer for us. I have no realized that was the stupidest decision I could have made. With moving (into a brand new house where I can't kick them outside) and running my business having the kids home with me all summer long has made me nuts... even if I had wanted to putting the two of them in camp all summer long wasn't in the cards so I just had to make the best of it.

I have tried so hard. Realizing that they are probably acting out because they are bored or want attention. So I would stop to take a break for a day and take them to the park or do something that they want to do. That didn't help at all.

I pulled out my trusty Ain't Misbehavin' book by Alyson Schafer and tried the techniques.

They spent a lot of time at my moms who lives up north and of course the entire time they were there they were angels.

But when they are here with me they are out to get me! Really, I am not being all mellow dramatic about this.  Still don't believe me? Here are some examples:

1. They decided to play hair salon and Kal tried to give Miss E a makeover. Well she ended up with a half mullet. I had the pleasure of noticing this while standing in line at the post office waiting to ship orders out. I think he was lucky about that because I couldn't freak out. I told him the moment we got home he was going to his room and he could stay there until Dad got home.  He did this before 2 years ago to her... so they were told that if I ever find them use scissors on anything but paper without my permission they will never use scissors again in my house, I don't care if they are 25 and still living at home.

2. Then there was the water fight yesterday. I was lucky to discover this when my girlfriend stopped by with her daughters for a visit. For some reason my kids decided that it would be fun to pour buckets full of water all over Miss E's bed and floor. Didn't say anything about it so it sat for 4-5 hours before I walked into her room while showing my girlfriend around. The floor was so wet that in seconds large bath towels were soaked to the point that they weighed 10lbs each. Her floor is still damp.

3. Today they took a Costco sized of ginger cookies and jumbo bag of pretzels and poured them all over the living room floor, and then they filled glasses of juice with cookies so they became a sloppy mess. Ground some of this mess into the carpet of our brand new home.

I feel like I could go on for hours about all of the stuff that they have done.

I took them to the store, bought back to school supplies, we went out for lunch and they got a treat and 30 minutes after we return home they do this because I am on the phone with my mom for a few minutes.  This is the same person that they just spent 5 days at and were great kids.

So why do they only do this to me?

They don't do this to their Dad, sure they still give him a hard time but nothing like me... I can punish them, I can yell and scream, I can try talking calmly to them - nothing works.

Are they conspiring to make me crazy? If so they are succeeding! I am wishing I could have a huge glass of wine at 10am just to calm down and get through the day. Good thing I am not a big drinker or I probably would be having one.

I wanted to really enjoy the last couple of weeks of the summer with them but now I just want them to go back to school.  How horrible does that sound? I admit it, I am counting down the days and hours until they are back in school and gone all day from 8:45am to 4pm.

Makes me sad as the only summer memories we have is them driving their mom into the nut house.

Next year they will be in camp for at least 3/4 of the summer, I don't care if I have to get a 3rd job to be able to make it happen. They can drive someone else crazy!

Feel so sorry for their Montessori teachers in 2 weeks when they return to school as crazy people. Although they will probably act like angels for them, cause that is what they do. Perfect angels all day at school and start fighting with each other the second we get into the car when I pick them up at the end of the day.

Why do the kids drive only me crazy?

Kids were giving issues with going to bed so I sat down with them and asked "why they love to do this to me and never to Daddy. I took them to the park today for hours and now I need to work" so they go upstairs and start acting up again, I go up there and Ella gets all upset and says I don't like her!
Not very often, but even his brother confirmed on Friday that they are always fine with him and go to bed so easily. I think they know I need to be busy and try to take advantage. I think when they go back to school I am going to need to take a big break from night time working and train them both. They stay up way to late and it isn't good for them or me. I need my time.
I should try the ignore thing for a week, see if that helps any. They seem to fight me wanting them to go to bed, so they are up there acting out more. Maybe if I ignore them they will stop.

I was very on top of things with the kids, they had routine and listened to me. What happened?

Mine are good kids, I have to remind myself of that during those times that I am ready to sell them!

They make me stronger.

"Mom" Friends

Recently I have been thinking about mom friends. You know the ones who you can get together with, your kids play together and you chat about life.

I recently moved and have been spending a lot of time at our new park, there is a great splash pad and park with a covered area with benches and tables.  As I sit there I notice the ladies chatting, their kids are all playing and the moms are talking and enjoying themselves.  I sit there by myself with my iPhone, Facebook and Twitter.  While all of those are great I miss the actual company of a physical human beside me.

I don't notice it all that often but it seems to really be in my face at the park. Could be because I work at home all day by myself.

Yes I just moved into a new neighbourhood and I still need to meet people, but even in my old neighbourhood I went to the park by myself. People were a lot friendlier there.  While we live in this great new neighbourhood there are no kids around us.  Makes me sad as we had that in our old house, up until the last month when a great family moved in with 3 boys the ages of my kids.

So tonight at dinner I started thinking to myself about how sad it makes me that I don't have any mom friends who I can call and ask them to meet me, or ones that call me.

Sure I have friends, not like I am all pity me because I am a friendless loser.

But when my kids were little I had "Mom" friends that I regularly saw, our kids played and we chatted about life. I met a great group when my 1st was born, we still continued our regular play dates as we all started having 2nd kids but then something happened...

I started Grace Announcements when my son was 1 and by the time my daughter was born I was busy. I didn't have as much time, I needed to use nap time for working not forgoing it for human contact. And now that I am at a point in my life where I want it, it isn't there.

Shows the importance of nurturing friends along with family. With making it a priority to stay in contact with friends.  While I know that I will have friends in my life that will always be there, no matter how much time goes by it doesn't matter.  We can pickup right where we left off. I am very lucky to have a lifelong friend like that, unfortunately she lives in Ottawa so we don't get to just see each other whenever we want.

Do you make it a priority to keep all your friends close? Or do you have friends which whom you have grown apart from?

But then you have friends who you put a lot of effort into, you try to contact, you try to setup "dates" but it never works out.

Do you forget about them?

Does it also get to a point in life where you have friends who are moms but you don't ever get together with kids?

Well hello there, I have missed you!

It has been way to long, but I have had major writers block... well I have had lots to write about but I could just not get the words out so that they made sense.  Over the past 6 months there has been lots that I would love to share and here I am tonight I could write forever, but I promise I will spare you all.   Instead I am going to just spit it out in little bits that might not make sense but I need to restart and this is the only way for me to do it.

2010 sucked ass (don't know why you can read here). I know it could have been much worse. We are all healthy and really that is all that matters.

We made it through. DH is working at a great company, has a great job, and loves what he does. He started enjoying making music with some friends and what started as a fun Friday night jam session has turned into The Bird of Rage. The kids have settled and are doing really well, Kal is just about to finish grade 1. He is so smart and loves his school and teacher. The progress he has made this year has been huge, nice to see after a huge life change. Miss E loves being in school full time, I admit I miss her at times and wonder if I should have kept her home with me longer.  But I think even though she is still so young this is best for her. She loves school and has started reading and writing. She is learning french which is amazing for a 1st year Casa student. I think French Immersion might be what she needs in grade 1.

I had high hopes for 2011 and although it didn't suck like 2010 did it hasn't been what I had hoped.

After April 20th, 2010 happened I had no choice but to step up to the plate and take care of this family. I did my best to shelter the kids from everything. To hide that their dad was so depressed and fragile I was scared to leave him alone. Work hard to keep food on the table and a roof over our head. And not let the people around me know that my world had just fallen apart and I was not sure if I could keep it from crumbling. Very hard to do when I spend so much time out in the open.

I got tired of pretending like my life was okay, but I felt I had no choice.

The new year came, the kids went back to school, DH started his new job and I was here all alone. I had no one to take care of, nothing to distract me from the past 10 months. I sat and I started to think.... it all hit me and it hit me hard.  I hid within myself and the lie that everything was okay.

Now today I sit here, clear again, with an extra 20lbs of fat feeling sorry for myself. I know that I need to do something but I just can't. I weigh more now than after having both kids. I wish I was the type of person who stress made me lose weight, instead I gain it. I am not an emotional eater that just shoves my face full of anything around, I barely eat now. But that doesn't help.

I am lucky to have great people in my life. People who stand beside me, who hold me up and who keep me going.

I refuse to give up just yet. 2011 will be a great year, might just take a little longer to get there.

The "kins of ifone's" from a 6 year old

My son drew this tonight in bed and brought it down all excited to show me.  Yes folks we are one crazy iPhone house!  The first is the ifon4, this is daddy's phone, then it is my son's and my ifone (yes we both just have the boring old 3G) and the bottom one is the baby version of an ifone.  Guess that is what his little sister gets to play with!

I unfortunately was not able to scan it all, but his title was the same as mine "kins of ifone" for Kinds of iPhones. I love how on the iPhone 4 the game he drew is called corn pops, where you launch corn pops.  I thought it was his favourite, angry birds!

Avoidance... of the big "C" word

Tomorrow I will set foot back in the Odette Cancer Centre at Sunnybrook Hospital for genetic screening and counselling.  It has been over 3 years since I was last there.  I had a newborn baby and a 2.5 year old at home.  I had to wait at that time as I was breastfeeding, best to come back when I was done. That was the recommendation from them.  Well after 2 years of breastfeeding and moving I lost touch and the information. They didn't have my new contact information and I put it into the back of my mind. I had more important things to think about.

Crazy to think that way.

You see I have a family history.  My paternal grandmother, Grace, whom I never met as she died really young (with a baby of her own, my aunt) from breast and ovarian cancer.  My aunt who was diagnosed with colon cancer in her early 40's with 3 young kids.  I remember thinking, how?  I went onto Google and searched to find that breast, ovarian and colon cancer are all linked.  She fought and won that battle, but a few years later she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She is fighting that battle and winning. Because it is on my paternal side it doesn't mean that there is not a huge risk for me.  My father can carry the gene and pass it to me, without me really knowing.  Many men carry the gene, but don't always develop breast cancer themselves.

Seeing my aunt recently and talking to her about life has reminded me of how precious it is.  My aunt and I always had a really close relationship.  She was young, much younger then my dad, she was the small child that was left behind with no parents.  We had something special, something that I have always cherished.

I started to think about my history and my risks.  I started to question as to whether I would like to know, or whether I would rather just enjoy my life without the possibility of knowing I carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene and could very well end up fighting the battle against breast cancer myself.  I started to have friends who were dealing with cancer themselves or their very close family and I stopped....

I stopped and I thought long and hard.

I realized that it was important to know.  That I was being silly being scared of the "what ifs" and I was better to be proactive and if I got some news that I didn't want to hear I would not be scared, I would just start to do what I need to and enjoy my life.

So tomorrow afternoon I start the process again.

I am not going to lie, I am scared.  I remember sitting there in this centre with my tiny baby at my side, looking around and seeing the people there for tests, for treatments.  The families with them.  I could see the fear in their eyes, and that gave me fear, fear of the unknown.

I don't want to be there.  I don't want to be thinking of this.  But I think I am stupid to not, so I will.

Be kind, and pass it on

There seems to be a buzz right now on Twitter about being kind.  I think it is great, because this is my motto for life!

I was chatting with my hubby about it this morning as we were driving to an appointment.  On our way back home, after stopping for lunch at the best local deli for a smoked meat sandwich and latke (mmmmm.... heaven in my mouth) we stopped at Starbucks.  I waited in the car so I could tweet (yes I know I am a huge addict) and he went in.  He was obviously listening to me because he decided to buy the tea of the woman standing behind him in line.  The best part is everyone thought it was so amazing that it continued on for 9 other people, and maybe more, he left so we don't know.

The lady behind him said how amazing it was.  Then she asked, "What happens if someone doesn't do it?" and my husband answered with how it doesn't matter, that she did her part and she should feel good.

I am so proud of him!  It shows me that he has been listening to me.

We had the discussion a while ago with him how easy it is to be nice, and the effect that has on others.  I told him how one day I was in the Tim Hortons drive thru and I said a simple please and thank you to the woman taking my order.  When I pulled up to the window the woman was so nice, she was almost in tears telling me how much it meant to her.  How hard it is because of how horrible most people are.  She told me I was the first person to say thank you in over a month.

I think it is sad how people act.  How hard is it to hold a door open for the person behind you, or maybe even all of the people behind you.  And do it with a smile.

Being nice isn't hard and it goes a long long way.  Try it for a day, and see what happens, you will be amazed at how nice you feel!

HERO... or just doing the right thing?

So the other night @MississaugaKids called me a hero because I was put in a situation and without even thinking I acted on it. I personally don't think I did anything special.










You see we went out for a nice early family dinner at this great restaurant at 5pm on a Sunday and just after we left I was driving along and this van came inches from side swipping me.  I passed him and made a right turn heading towards home.  This guy turned too, he was weaving all over the road, went into the on coming lane a few times missing cars by seconds.  I told my husband who was in the passenger seat because he enjoyed a few beers with dinner, to call 911.  I knew that it wasn't a situation of this guy playing with his stereo which we thought when we were almost hit by him.

They wanted us to follow him and get his license plate number, which we did, he went everywhere and we followed.  At one point he drove off a country road into a deep ditch and we thought for sure he was going to hit a tree, but he kept on going.  So we kept on following him, we wanted to make sure that he didn't get away before the police got there.

The 911 operator said they had his address and figured he was heading for home and they were sending an officer there and when he got there we could leave.

Well he kept on driving and headed towards a parking lot (ironically the parking lot to the York Regional Police Clubhouse!!) where we followed him.  I went in another entrance and parked back far from him.  I told hubby to call 911 again and tell them where we were so they were not waiting at his house.  We stayed in case he decide to leave again.  We waited for an hour for the police to arrive, where they took him to the police station, towed his van and took hubby's statement.

They stated that he could barely speak but he didn't smell of alcohol. That he was most likely an alcoholic and could hide it well.

We drove for 20minutes with this man as we watched him almost kill many people.  I could not imagine just leaving and going home, at one point in our drive around town with this guy we were 1 minute from home.  It was a Sunday evening, the kids needed a bath and I had laundry to finish, but that didn't matter.

I have a friend who 18 years ago was hit by a drunk drive early on a Sunday morning, he was in the hospital for a long long time and almost didn't survive, thankfully he did, but he has never been the same since.

I have a friend @SharonDV who was one of these unlucky drivers who was on the road, driving along, minding her own business.  Family in tow heading out for a Mothers Day celebration and was hit head on by a drunk driver.  You can read more of her story here. I read it a few years ago and it has stuck with me.  She is one of the first people I thought of when I saw this guy drive across the center line.

I did what I think anyone should.  I didn't think about what I still had to do that night, I just thought about the people like Sharon (or my friend from high school) and how I could not do anything.  Very similar to the situation with my son, I could not sit back and not think about how we were lucky, but what if someone else gets hurt.

The downside to Facebook

Everyone knows of Facebook, and if you don't I would like to know what rock you have been living under?!

The past year I have learned some real downsides to Facebook which make me want to shut down my account and walk away.  Really I deal with enough crap in my life that I don't feel I need something like Facebook to make matters worse on me or my family.

So those who know have an idea of the positives, or at least people think they are.  Reconnecting with old friends, you know the ones you have not seen in 17 years, the ones that after reconnecting you remember why you lost touch!  Keeping in touch with out of town relatives or friends is a good thing about Facebook.

But there are the downsides....

The friends who's relationships/marriages have ended because of crap on Facebook.  You know the private email from an old flame telling you they have never forgotten about you. The positive to marrying my high school sweetheart is I don't have many of those!

The people who read too much into your status updates...

The friends who you find out you are no longer friends (and good friend, like big brother type) because they removed you as a friend from Facebook. Totally happened to me, and the kicker, it is my neighbour...

The family who see something you post and freak out because they think the something catastrophic has happened not realizing that if it really had, you would have called them from the ambulance.

Then you have those ones, the people who just have nothing good to say.

Today I had someone post something nasty on my Grace Announcements page.  I immediately read it over a few times before I got all freaked out, they claimed they ordered over a month ago and didn't receive anything.  I scanned the name and it didn't look familiar.  I looked through my order forms on my desk, nothing.  I did a search in my email, nothing.  I pulled up my online shopping cart software, nothing.  I went the last place I could try, PayPal to look there.  They did after all claim at how much they paid for shipping... and there was nothing there.  This person was not listed in any of the 5 places that their order would show up. I would not let up there, technology has let me down many times in the past, that is part of running an online business. I sent the person an email on Facebook and they come back and tell me that they had not ordered anything from me... are you freakin kidding me???? I spent 40 minutes going over everything to see what could have happened to their order.

I was horrified that there was a customer out there like this, that had been waiting over a month for their order.  They didn't call the office or send an email.  Customer service is our top priority,we will go above and beyond in a situation to make it right.  But how do you make a situation like this right?

This person turns around and blocks me (because I am going to go all Facebook crazy on them or something???) and removes all of their bad comments from my page.

Do you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and think that today is the day I am going to have "fun"on facebook?

Yep so there you have it, today was one of those days when I would be so happy to close my Facebook account and walk away...

Our Follow Up

So sadly I come to post with not much information...

But I wanted to come and update all those who have shown their support.  I called Ninja Jump and was told to email the details so it could get forwarded to management.  I did and have still not heard anything.  I will be following up tomorrow.

There have been reports put in with Health Canada by myself and the family of the birthday boy.

Today Angela also known as partymomma on twitter gave me the contact information to a really helpful man who gave me some great information.  He told me that most likely the Aurora Sports Dome was operating this bounce house without a licence or insurance.  That they should have had someone from their establishment supervising, that as a public facility it should never be left up to the parents.  He told me that Ninja Jump will do nothing and to contact TSSA.

So I contacted TSSA who took all the information and is looking up the Aurora Sports Dome.

I will be stopping by there tomorrow afternoon in hopes of talking to someone in charge.

I have also talked about the birthday boy family about taking this to the local papers, as it seems that the sports dome was in the wrong here.

I will not stop until I get some real answers... I will not allow this to happen to another child.


On a side note I noticed someone shared my story on "the Bump" thank you very much for helping spread the word on this danger!

I tried to log in so that I could comment but for whatever reason I get logged in but the moment I go to the post I can't post and it logs me back out.  So I wanted to add to some of the feedback here.

It is not known who did this to my son, or I would have dealt with him and his family.  My son didn't know who he was and all he could remember about him was that he was wearing a black shirt.  Half of the kids were wearing black shirts because they were on a certain team for the soccer game at the beginning of the party.  Many kids gave their thoughts but every one was different so what and who do you believe.  Him or his family have not come forward and I don't believe they ever will.  No my son was not playing with any kids after this incident.  Once we were both calmed down (enough so I could drive) we left.

This very well could have happened without another child wrapping it for him.  That is probably the exact reason that Ninja Jump has removed the strap and replaced it with handles.  The problem is they have done nothing to modify or remove the models out there that have the strap.  You can not put a 5-6 foot long lose strap hanging inside of something and not have this risk - look at blind cords.

I also didn't leave my children unattended for a moment, I followed them around as they played, that is why I was standing 2 feet away from the backside talking with one of his classmates parents when this happened.  That is how I heard him screaming.  If I was not right there this story might not have ended in a happy ending.

The reason I will not allow my kids into a bounce house again is because of the many hidden dangers.  I would have never expected that there would be a 5-6 foot long strap/rope inside that could get tangled around any child.  Unless I go inside to make sure the unit is safe my kids will not play in it.

My son has said himself at 6 years old that he will never play in one again.

Today was one of those days that all parents fear...

One of those days that you pray will never happen and you feel sick to your stomach when you read some other persons story.  Well today was one of those days for me.

It all started as a normal suburban Saturday, we had a birthday party to go to for one of my sons friends at a local sports dome.  They had a big soccer game planned (amazingly organized by the birthday boys parents), followed by pizza and cake.  After the kids enjoyed some food they were able to go back into the dome where the dome had set up a big bounce house very similar to this one from Ninja Jump (just a different theme) a company from California.

The boys were all playing and having fun in here.  I started thinking that someone was going to get hurt, but never thought that there was a risk like what happened today.  The house has black mesh sides and it is very hard to see inside.

I watched my kids playing inside and moved around checking on both and chatting with a fellow parent who's son is in my son's class.  All of the sudden my son starts crying and then screaming and crying and screaming.  I went over to him and started talking to him through the net, I thought other kids were just bugging him so I told him to come out.  The opening was all the way on the other side.  He starts really screaming at the same time that another boy is pulling on his leg, so I yell for him to stop and to my son to get out now.  He screams even louder and one of the other kids tells me that he has this rope wrapped around his neck.  I look above him and see this green rope, and I look at my son who is grabbing at his neck.

It was all in a split second.  I didn't do anything but run.  I threw down my water bottle, purse and kicked my shoes across the sports dome as I ran around this thing.  I ran up the slide and immediately knew I could not pull him up so I jumped down beside him and tried pushing him up to get slack and free the rope.  It wouldn't work, it was as tall as me.  I start begging for this kid at the top of the slide to help me pull him up, what that poor boy must have been thinking... but he did nothing.  The father of the birthday boy and his sister must have heard me because they both came running in and he grabbed my son and pushed him up, removed the cord and pulled him out.

See the red line, that is a rope that hangs down the part where they climb up to go down the slide.  This rope just hangs there, it isn't fastened at the bottom or anything...

That is where I found my son hanging with a rope wrapped around his neck.

I was in shock... I followed his sister out of this death trap and immediately went to my son who was crying.  I felt like I was going to vomit, I was shaking and wanted to freak out and yell.  I wanted to know how this happened.  Kids start telling me that some boy wrapped it around his neck and pushed him,they are pointing at all these different kids.  I just sat there and hugged my boy. His little sister even came over and started rubbing his back to make sure he was okay.

I just wanted to leave, but I knew that there was no way I could drive these two kids home.  I was so shaken up and all I could do was stop myself from vomiting all over the ground.  Some other parents distracted my son and got him to go off and kick around the soccer ball.  By the time I was a little calmer I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said no, so we stayed for a little while longer.

I just needed to stop shaking...

My 6 year old son was able to tell me exactly what happened and describe how scary it was.  He is upstairs with my hubby at 10:30pm because he is too scared to sleep.  Totally understandable after the day he had.

If I had decided to go sit down on one of the chairs 10 feet away I might have not heard him, I would not have checked to see what was going on... and who knows if another kid would have.  Since instead of yelling for help they pulled on his leg to just pull the rope even tighter.

He is okay, his neck has rope burn.  My shoulder has gotten so sore that I can barely move my arm, but that doesn't matter.  He is alive, at this time that is all that matters.

I am so thankful for Brian who rescued him, because no matter how hard I tried I didn't have the strength.  The poor guy is still shaking himself.

My kids will never set foot inside another bounce house again, and I urge everyone reading this to take a long hard look before they let there kids in one.

Mixed Feelings

It is September 6th, Labour Day, the day before kids go back to school.  I should be sitting here with a smile on my face, celebrating like the millions of other parents out there, but instead I sit here with a tear in my eye.

You see I started a business 5 years ago when my first baby was 1 so that I could do something with my mind, so that I could be creative, and to stay home with my son but still contribute to the family financially. I was not one of those people who could just be a stay at home mom, I did it for the year and I loved being home but I also needed more for me.

In the mix of getting my business off the ground and raising my son I received a wonderful surprise, I was pregnant again with a little girl.  I would have 2 kids, 2.5years apart, one boy and one girl - the million dollar family.  What could be better?  Nothing!  Only I am running my own business, so there is no 1 year maternity leave, there is as much time as I want to take off and not have my business running.  If I didn't work then there was no business.  I was home from the hospital less then 24 hours after having Miss E, and I think I was on my computer working 2 hours after getting home.  I took a break for a few days during March break but other then that I was working while raising this baby and 2.5 year old.

When Kal turned 3 he started preschool 5 mornings a week, and stayed at the same school for his JK year because I didn't believe in the alternate day kindergarten that all of our schools have here.  Last year which would have been SK he went full time for the 5 days.  As many readers know my kids go to a Montessori school.

Well where do the tears come from?  Miss E is starting her first year at the school tomorrow and I signed her up for full time.  She went for a few months at the end of last year part time mornings and loved it. She was always learning, unlike her brother who did more play/practical life for the first 2 years.

I have real mixed feelings about her being full time....

I need it for the business, I am too busy to work and take care of her at the same time.  She needs it for the stimulation, she is bored at home and needs to socialize with more then her brother.

But I feel like I should not be rushing this.  I feel like I should be enjoying this time with her.  I question why I allowed my business to get to this point where both kids needed to be gone all day.  One of the main reasons for my business was to stay home with my kids.... and that is not what I am doing here.  Could I not work part time and have her in school part time?  I question myself all day long on this.

I know in the back of my mind that this is not something that I can do.  It wasn't working for either of us, and unless I put her in programs every day during the afternoon she would not be stimulated enough.  That is not an option because most programs for preschool kids run in the morning when she is in school.  I also need to work more then 2 or 3 hours a day and since she doesn't nap this wouldn't work.

So tomorrow morning I will be weeping as my son goes off to grade 1 and my daughter starts her first year of preschool and is gone all day.

Check back with me in a month (or Wednesday) to see if I am celebrating and loving it!

So not fair...

I think it is really not fair that there are people out there who lose weight when they are stressed... yes I know some of you are like that and right now I am not sure if we can still be friends!!

My husband is one of those people... he is unhappy with it.  He works very hard at the gym to keep a certain physical look.  We both way back when could eat whatever we want and not gain a pound.  He had to work out at the gym hard core, I had to have kids... JERK!!!

I will be in the bathroom getting ready, looking at myself in the mirror and feeling horrible about myself when he comes in and starts complaining about how much weight he has lost and how hard it will be for him to put it back on.... blab... I start to tune him out because if not I worry I might punch him in the face.  It is so not fair...

So as many of you know our life has been dealt its fair share of crap over the last 6 months.  Life has been stressful is putting it mildly.  I have been working my ass off (too bad not physically) and while I am sitting in front of my computer for 18+hours a day making money I am not being physically active.  I am not riding my bike with the kids, I am not using my treadmill, I am certainly not at the gym since I cancelled that membership when things went to shit.

What has all of this done to me???  I have gained a freaking extra 10 to 15 pounds since last winter... I am back at my just delivered weight and I feel horrible.  I look horrible...

My Lulu's cut my waist so much that by the end of the day I am hurting.

CRAP, #&%!, $@#%... how did I let this happen?

Why can't I be the person who loses weight when I am stressed?  SO NOT FAIR!

So with a closet full of clothes that barely fit, a refusal to buy new ones, and Blissdom Canada in less then 2 months I am going to do something about this.

I am going to get my ass off this chair.
I am going to take a break from working during my day and get on my treadmill.
I am going to eat healthy.
I am going to try to avoid chocolate. (keyword being "TRY"!)
I am going to take care of myself for once in a long long time.
I am going to do all of this and NOT feel guilty about doing it.

Oh and to all of you "WTF Lindsay you look great" haters out there - I was 105lbs before I had kids. I don't ever aspire to get back there but I am certainly not happy here.  So please don't hate me, instead help me, please!

Happy Birthday to My Little Man!

On August 28th, 2004 {6 years ago} I became a mom and my life changed forever! 

This amazing boy came into my life and has made me who I am today.  I held him for days, never wanting to put him down.  I would stare for hours at him with a smile on my face.  I could sit for hours with him asleep on my chest, I will hold the memory of that forever.  I held you instead of eating, I carried you instead of sleeping, I played with you instead of cleaning.  I would do anything for you.

Happy 6th Birthday Kal, you make me so proud to be your mom.

I love how you don't care what people think, you wear what you want and don't think twice about it.

I love how you use your imagination in everything that you do.

I love how you would rather play with your sister or friends then play video games.

I love how smart you are.

I love how you are always wanting to learn.

I love how you ask questions about everything.

I love how you love your little sister and would do anything for her.

I love how you care for those close to you and are not afraid to show your feelings.

I love how you are creative.

I love how you are different from other kids your age.

I love you because you are you!

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" ~ Robert Munch

Playhouse Disney Canada Giveaway Winners

So the lucky winner of our Playhouse Disney Giveaway is....

Kandice - thanks for your really nice comment!

I wonder if I am to blame

I sit here and look at my life and I wonder...

I wonder why so much has changed.  I wonder what was the cause. I wonder if it is because of me...

When I look back at the last while and when things started to really change for me in my life it was around the same time that something major changed for me.  I became a mom.  Something that is so amazing has also caused so many questions in my life.  Part of all of these questions come from me, I know that, but does it all? That is a question that I don't know the answer to.

I am sure that many in my life (or now not in my life) would say that it is because of me.

I know that my in-laws blame so many of their issues on me.  They blame me as the reason they didn't come spend time with us.  They blame me for the reason why they barely saw their grandkids.  They blame me for being such a horrible hostess.  They blame me for everything. Do you think they ever sat back and looked at the reasons why I wasn't always so perfect?  Do you think they even remember that I suffered from postpartum depression for almost 3 years?  No instead they sit in their house enjoying their life, blaming me as the reason for all of their issues.

So does my mom blame me?  I know I will never be the perfect person that my brother is. I have come to accept that.

I spent years wondering what I had to do for my family to actually look at me like I was something important.  I looked at my life and thought that I had it all together.  I had a husband who loved me no matter what.  I had two beautiful, smart, amazing kids who loved me.  I had a really nice home.  I had a little business that I started many years ago that was successful, and I did that while also raising my amazing kids.

But even with all of this I felt like my family still looked at me like I was a troubled 18 year old little girl... I was never a troubled girl, but they looked at me like I was.  Did they always think that I would amount to nothing?  Do they still?

So I wonder, am I the reason that I barely have a relationship with my mom and when I do it is so dysfunctional?  Am I the reason why I barely ever hear from my only brother?  Am I the reason for all of the hurt that they cause my family?

I don't think I will ever find the answers.

I think that all that I can do is move forward, to break the cycle and create a loving home for my kids.  Where they can grow up and know that I love them no matter what.  That I will support them in any decisions that they make in life.  That I will love who they choose to be with in their life, because I know that they make them happy.

I want my kids to know that I love them, no matter what.  And above all that I will always be here for them.  I will be their biggest supporter in life, and their biggest fan.

That is how I will heal me.

I will also remind myself of all the amazing things I have in my life, my husband and kids.  My friends, some old and some new (you know who you are!), they are some of the most empowering and supportive people I know.  They keep me strong and teach me daily that I am a good person.  And as a good friend reminded me "blood isn't thicker than water".

Getting to know you (or me)

Inspired by Party Mummy's post I decided I needed to do the same.


I am not going to type much extra because my space bar is all messed up on my brand new computer... and if I don'tbeaton it everything comes out likethis...


So please forgive me ;)

“That’s How SHE Blogs”

Here’s what to do:

a) Cut and paste the quiz onto your blog.

b) Delete my answers.

c) Answer the questions.

d) Tweet a few of the bloggers you’d love to get to know better and invite them to play along.

e) In the comment section below, leave a link to your blog where you've answered the quiz quesions.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1.    Did you attend Blogher10? No (and I am still wishing I did)

2.    Are you attending BlissdomCanada this fall? YES!

3.    When are you at your blogging best – a.m. or p.m.? never... probably in the PM when I write most of my blogs because it is quiet and I can think.

4.    How many blogs do you have? (Include the links)

www.themombehindthedesigns.com

www.graceannouncements.blogspot.com

5.    What technical skill would you like to learn to improve your blog? I have no clue... maybe I need to learn how to not be so scared to move over to Wordpress

6.    Do you prefer the sound of silence or does action abound while you blog?  I love listening to music, if you knew my husband you would know that music is always playing in our house! 

7.    Do you include the names of your family in your blog? Depends... usually the short form

8.    Do you post pictures or videos of your children? Yes

9.    What’s the grossest thing you’ve spilled on your keyboard? I have honestly never spilled anything on my keyboard... how lame am I?!

10.    Ever posted something you wrote while intoxicated? No, I had large amount of time either pregnant or breastfeeding so I was always sober.  Lame again!!!

11.    Do you go back and edit old posts just because you can? Only if it is right after I post.

12.    Have you ever suspected somebody took something you wrote and pawned it off as their own?  No but I have had people steal stuff from my website before...

13.    Does your spouse read your blog? What do they say about it?  Yes he does (and sometimes I wish he didn't so I could complain about him!) and he says I am a great writer. I am sure he won't say that again after reading this!

14.    What’s something cool/positive/unexpected for you, that has resulted directly from blogging? Nothing, and I am okay with that!

15.    Link to a post (or two) which demonstrate your writing style:

Modern work at home mom

Not saying goodbye

16.  Name a blog(s) that makes you exclaim, "Damn! I wish I'd written that!"

Sharon DeVellis: The Inside Scoop

Thanks to Lisa @PartyMummy for getting me to do this!  See you at Blissdom Canada :)

Playhouse Disney Canada - Review & Giveaway

I don't know about your house but in mine all the Playhouse Disney shows are a big hit.  We don't actually get the channel thanks to our Satellite provider, so we rely on knowing the exact times that they run on the Family channel and tuning in then.  My daughter is all about Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but she also loves watching Handy Manny and Imagination Movers with her brother.  When he was young he loved watching Little Einsteins.  Honestly there is no Playhouse Disney programming that my two are not going to watch.


I have even found myself watching some without even having them around.  Yes I have been known to enjoy a little cartoon time now and then!  I remember watching many of these Disney characters as a child, so I enjoy sitting down and watching them with my kids.


Be sure to check out www.playhousedisney.ca where your kids can play games, watch videos and do activites.  You can see the daily schedule, enter contests, check out the parents section for tips about web safety.  Best of all you know that while your kids are enjoying the site they are in a safe environment.

I am excited to be giving away a Playhouse Disney Prize Pack that includes: a DVD with 5 full episodes of Handy Manny, Imagination Movers, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Special Agent Oso and My Friends Tigger and Pooh, pencils, a magnetic pen and colouring magnets. My kids were so excited to open theirs!

To enter, leave a comment with your child’s favourite Playhouse Disney show.  For an extra entry follow "the mom behind the designs" through Google Friend Connect.

Readers may enter the contests on multiple blogs participating in this Playhouse Disney Canada blog tour but are only eligible to win once.

Giveaway ends August 18 at 11:59pm EST. Open to Canadian residents only. Winner will be selected using Random.org and must reply to the notification email within 3 days or a new winner will be drawn

I am participating in the Playhouse Disney program by Mom Central. I received a Playhouse Disney prize pack and a thank you gift card to facilitate this post. The opinions on this blog are my own.

Wordless Wednesday