I can make a minivan sexy, right?!

For the past 6 months I have been looking at cars, I knew the lease on my SUV was coming up soon and I needed to decide what I wanted next. For years I had wanted a minivan, but then I started to wonder if I really did.

I mean I only have 2 kids so I don't need it for the seats.

There was only one minivan that I wanted, one that I would drive and call my own, I wanted to buy it 4 years ago when I bought the SUV but I could not stomach the cost of it. I had a toddler, was starting my business and really making no money, and I was pregnant so making more money wasn't an option. So I was practical and bought the SUV for much less a month.

Now last week I get an invite from our local Honda dealership to a special sales event. I have bought 3 of my last 4 new vehicles from them and they knew my lease was coming up. This time I didn't throw the invite into my recycle bin, I made an appointment when they called me. My husband and I headed over, interested in looking at my dream minivan or the new version of my SUV. My husband immediately started talking about the Odyssey, crunching numbers, and pushing them for a better deal. Good thing I have him to do that for me!

What was going to be a short trip to check out numbers, ended up being 5 hours and I was the proud owner of a Honda Odyssey minivan and I was actually excited about it! How could I not be, I had wanted one for years, and look at it

is it not the sexiest minivan?!

Ok I know, it is a minivan and they can't be sexy, but I can make it sexy and cool, have you seen my shoes?! I can love driving it and everything it offers.

I dream of trips to IKEA and all the stuff I can buy and bring home. I dream of taking Hamma with us to the zoo and not having to take a second car. I dream of long road trips as a family and making great memories. We already have plans to drive it to Buffalo for a Pearl Jam concert in May, and I have already made my rules for the 4 other adults who will be going with us.

Moms (and Dads) who drive theirs and love it tell me how happy I will be. Now if I can just wait for it to be sitting in my driveway. It feels like forever that I have to wait for them to either find the colour I want, or for the other option to be delivered. Do they not know that I don't do well with waiting.

I feel lost, and don't know what to do.

I came here to share, to type out something but I just can't get out the words. I can't get past the first line...

So instead I will share points.

1. My son has been dealing with some pretty serious fears the last couple of weeks and it is taking its toll on all of us. He became seriously scared a few weeks back when we were at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. We went on the amazing tour and he loved it. But that night he came screaming through the halls of the condo we were staying in, he was more terrified then I had ever seen before.

2. Now we are home, and he is terrified to be alone. He won't sleep in his room unless we are there with him, and most times he ends up in our room. We tried everything; music, special stuffed animal, light on, etc. Nothing works...

3. It is so bad that one night when we tried to get him to stay in his room he got so upset that it took an hour to calm him down.

4. It breaks my heart that I can't help him, that he doesn't feel safe in his own home. I tell him that we would never let anything happen to him, and to trust me, but he doesn't, and that brings tears to my eyes.

5. I have talked to friends, I have searched the internet, I have looked into every book I own (and I have many parenting books), I talked to his teacher to see if anything is different at school - it isn't. I will keep searching, asking and thinking until I find something to help.

To my dear sweet boy, I am your mom and my job is to take care of you. I am trying, I might make mistakes along the way, but you and your sister are my everything. I promise you that I will do something to make things better.

Now I will go finish watching the episodes of Parenthood that I PVRed and fight back even more tears.