It has been way to long, but I have had major writers block... well I have had lots to write about but I could just not get the words out so that they made sense. Over the past 6 months there has been lots that I would love to share and here I am tonight I could write forever, but I promise I will spare you all. Instead I am going to just spit it out in little bits that might not make sense but I need to restart and this is the only way for me to do it.
2010 sucked ass (don't know why you can read here). I know it could have been much worse. We are all healthy and really that is all that matters.
We made it through. DH is working at a great company, has a great job, and loves what he does. He started enjoying making music with some friends and what started as a fun Friday night jam session has turned into The Bird of Rage. The kids have settled and are doing really well, Kal is just about to finish grade 1. He is so smart and loves his school and teacher. The progress he has made this year has been huge, nice to see after a huge life change. Miss E loves being in school full time, I admit I miss her at times and wonder if I should have kept her home with me longer. But I think even though she is still so young this is best for her. She loves school and has started reading and writing. She is learning french which is amazing for a 1st year Casa student. I think French Immersion might be what she needs in grade 1.
I had high hopes for 2011 and although it didn't suck like 2010 did it hasn't been what I had hoped.
After April 20th, 2010 happened I had no choice but to step up to the plate and take care of this family. I did my best to shelter the kids from everything. To hide that their dad was so depressed and fragile I was scared to leave him alone. Work hard to keep food on the table and a roof over our head. And not let the people around me know that my world had just fallen apart and I was not sure if I could keep it from crumbling. Very hard to do when I spend so much time out in the open.
I got tired of pretending like my life was okay, but I felt I had no choice.
The new year came, the kids went back to school, DH started his new job and I was here all alone. I had no one to take care of, nothing to distract me from the past 10 months. I sat and I started to think.... it all hit me and it hit me hard. I hid within myself and the lie that everything was okay.
Now today I sit here, clear again, with an extra 20lbs of fat feeling sorry for myself. I know that I need to do something but I just can't. I weigh more now than after having both kids. I wish I was the type of person who stress made me lose weight, instead I gain it. I am not an emotional eater that just shoves my face full of anything around, I barely eat now. But that doesn't help.
I am lucky to have great people in my life. People who stand beside me, who hold me up and who keep me going.
I refuse to give up just yet. 2011 will be a great year, might just take a little longer to get there.
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