I wonder if I am to blame

I sit here and look at my life and I wonder...

I wonder why so much has changed.  I wonder what was the cause. I wonder if it is because of me...

When I look back at the last while and when things started to really change for me in my life it was around the same time that something major changed for me.  I became a mom.  Something that is so amazing has also caused so many questions in my life.  Part of all of these questions come from me, I know that, but does it all? That is a question that I don't know the answer to.

I am sure that many in my life (or now not in my life) would say that it is because of me.

I know that my in-laws blame so many of their issues on me.  They blame me as the reason they didn't come spend time with us.  They blame me for the reason why they barely saw their grandkids.  They blame me for being such a horrible hostess.  They blame me for everything. Do you think they ever sat back and looked at the reasons why I wasn't always so perfect?  Do you think they even remember that I suffered from postpartum depression for almost 3 years?  No instead they sit in their house enjoying their life, blaming me as the reason for all of their issues.

So does my mom blame me?  I know I will never be the perfect person that my brother is. I have come to accept that.

I spent years wondering what I had to do for my family to actually look at me like I was something important.  I looked at my life and thought that I had it all together.  I had a husband who loved me no matter what.  I had two beautiful, smart, amazing kids who loved me.  I had a really nice home.  I had a little business that I started many years ago that was successful, and I did that while also raising my amazing kids.

But even with all of this I felt like my family still looked at me like I was a troubled 18 year old little girl... I was never a troubled girl, but they looked at me like I was.  Did they always think that I would amount to nothing?  Do they still?

So I wonder, am I the reason that I barely have a relationship with my mom and when I do it is so dysfunctional?  Am I the reason why I barely ever hear from my only brother?  Am I the reason for all of the hurt that they cause my family?

I don't think I will ever find the answers.

I think that all that I can do is move forward, to break the cycle and create a loving home for my kids.  Where they can grow up and know that I love them no matter what.  That I will support them in any decisions that they make in life.  That I will love who they choose to be with in their life, because I know that they make them happy.

I want my kids to know that I love them, no matter what.  And above all that I will always be here for them.  I will be their biggest supporter in life, and their biggest fan.

That is how I will heal me.

I will also remind myself of all the amazing things I have in my life, my husband and kids.  My friends, some old and some new (you know who you are!), they are some of the most empowering and supportive people I know.  They keep me strong and teach me daily that I am a good person.  And as a good friend reminded me "blood isn't thicker than water".