Mixed Feelings

It is September 6th, Labour Day, the day before kids go back to school.  I should be sitting here with a smile on my face, celebrating like the millions of other parents out there, but instead I sit here with a tear in my eye.

You see I started a business 5 years ago when my first baby was 1 so that I could do something with my mind, so that I could be creative, and to stay home with my son but still contribute to the family financially. I was not one of those people who could just be a stay at home mom, I did it for the year and I loved being home but I also needed more for me.

In the mix of getting my business off the ground and raising my son I received a wonderful surprise, I was pregnant again with a little girl.  I would have 2 kids, 2.5years apart, one boy and one girl - the million dollar family.  What could be better?  Nothing!  Only I am running my own business, so there is no 1 year maternity leave, there is as much time as I want to take off and not have my business running.  If I didn't work then there was no business.  I was home from the hospital less then 24 hours after having Miss E, and I think I was on my computer working 2 hours after getting home.  I took a break for a few days during March break but other then that I was working while raising this baby and 2.5 year old.

When Kal turned 3 he started preschool 5 mornings a week, and stayed at the same school for his JK year because I didn't believe in the alternate day kindergarten that all of our schools have here.  Last year which would have been SK he went full time for the 5 days.  As many readers know my kids go to a Montessori school.

Well where do the tears come from?  Miss E is starting her first year at the school tomorrow and I signed her up for full time.  She went for a few months at the end of last year part time mornings and loved it. She was always learning, unlike her brother who did more play/practical life for the first 2 years.

I have real mixed feelings about her being full time....

I need it for the business, I am too busy to work and take care of her at the same time.  She needs it for the stimulation, she is bored at home and needs to socialize with more then her brother.

But I feel like I should not be rushing this.  I feel like I should be enjoying this time with her.  I question why I allowed my business to get to this point where both kids needed to be gone all day.  One of the main reasons for my business was to stay home with my kids.... and that is not what I am doing here.  Could I not work part time and have her in school part time?  I question myself all day long on this.

I know in the back of my mind that this is not something that I can do.  It wasn't working for either of us, and unless I put her in programs every day during the afternoon she would not be stimulated enough.  That is not an option because most programs for preschool kids run in the morning when she is in school.  I also need to work more then 2 or 3 hours a day and since she doesn't nap this wouldn't work.

So tomorrow morning I will be weeping as my son goes off to grade 1 and my daughter starts her first year of preschool and is gone all day.

Check back with me in a month (or Wednesday) to see if I am celebrating and loving it!